Photo by Arleen wiese on Unsplash

Something I’ve Pondered Post Father’s Day

I have vague memories of what was it like to celebrate Father’s Day. My parents separated many years ago, and we have not seen him ever since.


Surprisingly, I don’t hold any grudges at him. We siblings did not make it a big issue or felt very affected by what had happened. It was unusually neutral. He did not make any effort to see us or make his presence felt, probably because he knows my mother would wage a war out of it.

We moved on with our life, also with no effort on wondering where in the world he might be.


Growing Up Without a Father Figure


I have always wondered what if we were still a complete family. Would we turn out different ? Would we be more guided ? Now that I think about it, it’s a curious thing on how would our father have advised us on our studies like what to take up in college. What would have been his thoughts about “barkadas”? How would he have reacted during those times we had crushes ?


Good thing though, we did not become rebellious as teenagers. We did not become the type who blamed the world and raised our fist to this person who failed to perform his role and obligations to us. Maybe because the root of the separation was actually between my parents and really had nothing to do with us. My mother was just protecting us from him.


At our young age, we sort of understood everything and figured things out ourselves.


Growing Old Without our Father


My sister and I walked down the aisle without our father. The primary reason was of course, my mother would oppose to the idea.


Some might say that it has been many years already, that my mother have moved on and maybe should be ready to forgive and forget. But, the reason she is not capable of that yet is because the anger, pain and hurt has been ingrained too deep in her heart.


We occasionally view him on Facebook, but it never really extended to sending him a “wave” emoji or leaving him a short message of hello.


Moving Forward


There are many what if’s scenarios that could happen. What if we see him one day, what should we say to each other ? What if he suddenly sent us a message on Facebook and would want to meet us ? Do we need to ask permission to our mother (as not to hurt her feelings)?


If the first scenario would happen, maybe I’d say “how are you?” and introduce my family to him. Would I just be civil like we were two strangers who have known each other once upon a time or give him a hug because I’m actually his own flesh and blood ? Time will tell.


But in my heart, I have forgiven him a very long time ago (and in behalf of my mother). I know he has changed somehow. Maybe I’d just pray for the time that both of my parents would make peace, since both them are getting old for holding anymore bitterness.


At Present


As a mother, one thing I could teach our daughter right now is to give back all the love and appreciate her father every day. By the time she gets older, I’d tell her to always be grateful for her father who is the rock and shield of her life.

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I am a wife to Francis and a mother to Olivia. I am an avid reader, but a frustrated writer. Maybe considered a millennial, but very much of a "manang".

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